The Relationship Agenda
I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. Wow! If only you knew how powerful these words are coming from ME. If you read my autobiography Dear Ms. Wholeness then you understand what I mean. This is coming from the ME whose identity was shaped and defined by having a man. The ME who went from relationship to relationship looking for a man to choose her and love her. The ME who brought up the idea of getting married to my ex-husband, married him within three months of a romantic relationship, paid for our wedding ring sets, paid for our wedding outfits, and rented a U-Haul truck to move him from FL to MD to live “happily ever after”. The ME who over compromised in relationships for fear of being alone. Today, this ME is saying I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. I can hear the voices say, “But why? Don’t you want to be married again? Don’t you want to find your soul mate? Don’t you want a man to come home to and live happily ever after?” In this season of my life, No I don’t. Let me tell you why….
This is the space I’ve been desiring to live in for majority of my life. A space where I can be my authentic self and do whatever I want to do. A space where I can learn more of who I am without the responsibility of managing a relationship. I’ve always wanted to solely focus on my relationship with me, but I didn’t know how to get there. With each romantic relationship I was in, I could feel an internal unrest and dissatisfaction. I thought it was because of the men I was with. I thought maybe they weren’t doing and being who I needed them to be. But in all actuality, they were fine. I was feeling unfulfilled because I wasn’t being who I needed ME to be. I had not yet experienced living in freedom with ME. That’s really what my heart and soul longed for. So in April of this year, my inner voice got louder and I decided to end the two-year relationship that I was in. When I made that decision, relief filled my body and I set out to experience a deeper level of freedom with me. I didn’t have the capacity or desire to commit to another soul romantically. It was time to relax the romantic agenda.
Relaxing the romantic agenda doesn’t mean that I am anti-men or taking a break from men. Men are very much a part of my life in various ways. I love men and enjoy their presence. In fact, relaxing the romantic agenda has helped me to appreciate men for who they are as opposed to what they can do for me. I can have conversations, spend quality time, conduct business ventures, laugh and joke without trying to figure out if “he is the one”. I can stop objectifying men and just enjoy the beautiful human beings that they are. I can enjoy the presence of a man without using him as a tool get me down the aisle or have babies. I can enjoy being me and be okay with them being them.
Relaxing the romantic agenda means I can also focus on other things like personal development, growing my businesses, being creative, going out and having fun, traveling, and spending time with family and friends. Of course I can do this in a romantic relationship, but a relaxed agenda means I’m not doing these things while having to consider a partner; or wondering if in doing these things I will meet a partner. I have found security and fulfillment within me and I believe that I AM ENOUGH. I can rest in this space without feeling like my biological clock is ticking or fear being alone in the future. I can just BE and know that marriage is not the only way to healthily fulfill my human emotional needs.
How did I get here? There’s been so many tools and teachers along the way that have helped me to get to this space. I will say, it started in 2013 when I became intentional about discovering ME. And I stayed committed to that process. I started going to therapy, hired life coaches, joined a women’s support group, got in and out of romantic relationships, journaled my thoughts and feelings, read books about self-love and empowerment, had deep conversations with friends and family, spent meaningful time with myself, extended grace and patience to myself, etc. I believe these key things and so much more helped me to experience the joy and freedom that I have right now. But the main key for me is that I stayed committed to ME and my self-love journey. I didn’t give up on me and now I’m reaping the benefits of that unwavering commitment.
I know that this is only the beginning of my newfound freedom and I look forward to what’s to come! It feels like I’m on an airplane and the pilot has said “the seatbelt sign has been turned off so you are free to move about the cabin.” I have given myself permission to be free and it feels AMAZING!
~Shavon Carter, The YOU Relationship Coach