When I was younger, I remember always wanting to have my mom to myself. I didn’t want to share her with the men she was in relationships with. I just wanted it to be me and her. So as you can imagine, I was not happy when she got married when I was a preteen. I carried that feeling throughout the 20+ years of their marriage and when it ended in divorce, selfishly I figured I could finally have her to myself. However, a couple years later she remarried and the unresolved feelings I had were triggered.
As much as I would like to blame my mom for my feelings, I recognize that it was a projection of how I felt about myself. The same undivided attention I desired from my mom is the same thing I was craving from me. I noticed it every time I got into a relationship. The little girl inside of me would get jealous and wonder when it would just be about her. Not that the guys were bad, I just hadn’t spent enough quality time with myself to heal that hurting place.
Recently I ended an 8 month relationship because the little girl in me was fed up. She was tired of having to compete for my attention. She wanted to feel loved by ME, not from an external source. She was tired of the short-lived singleness that ended as soon as another man came along. I started to feel the inner turmoil, which was really her crying out. So in honor of her, I made the tough decision to let go of the familiar place of focusing on a man so I can attend to her needs. For over 30 years she’s been yearning for some uninterrupted quality time so it’s imperative that I take a break and love on her.
Now I’ll admit that this is a learning process for me but I’m determined to figure it out. I just try to discern when she’s telling me she needs something. Like today when I saw an email about a bus trip to NYC to see the Rockettes at the Radio City Music Hall, I could feel her leap within me. So in honor of her, I chose to book the trip. It brought tears to my eyes because I was practicing honoring what I wanted and choosing me. I’m learning one moment at a time.
Sis, today I encourage you to listen to yourself and make decisions that support self-love daily. It’s so important because a healthy relationship starts with YOU.
~Shavon Carter, The YOU Relationship Coach