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The Detaching Process

As a single woman, one of the things that I get tired of seeing is Singles events that focus on love and relationships. It bothers me because that’s not all we think about. Especially women in my situation who are newly single and want to learn how to live a satisfied single life instead of focusing on getting into another relationship. Or what about those women who are single and don’t desire to get married or be in a relationship? It’s important to understand that there’s so much more to life than being with a man.

I feel like my purpose in life is to help women learn how to become satisfied in their single state, whether it’s for a season or for a lifetime. If you’re like me and have a history of going from one relationship to another, it can be a challenge to become a content single; but it’s not impossible. It will be a process of detaching from old habits and ways of thinking, and developing new ones. There are some days when I feel content and satisfied with me, and other days when I want to have a boo. That’s normal. I’m learning to accept that everyday won’t be the same emotionally, and that’s ok.

What I do want to share with you today is the reality of the detaching process. How do you go from a life of looking for someone to fulfill you internally to developing a healthy, emotionally independent relationship with yourself? Little by little, step by step. It starts with exploring more of who you are. What do you like to do? What makes you feel loved? What painful experiences are you holding onto that you need to heal from? How do you feel about you? What ways can you make yourself happy without depending on someone else to make you happy? Who are you without a man? What does your life look like with just you? Who does God say that you are? How does God feel about you? What has God put you on this earth to do?

These are just a few questions to explore with yourself. For me, going to a Christian counselor has helped to explore these questions and discover even more about me. I also journal a lot to help express what I’m feeling. Praying and reading the bible and embracing who God says I am has helped also. You have to find what works best for you. The more I learn about myself, the more I accept who I am and see my value. The more I see my value, the more I see the benefit of being alone with me. And the more time I spend with myself, the less dependent I am on needing a man to fulfill me.

So as you can see, it’s a gradual process. During this process you may still talk to men from your past or entertain people that aren’t healthy for you, but that’s to be expected. The more we change, the more that fleshly part of us wants to stay the same and hold on to the familiar and comfortable. But continue to fight through, even if you have relapses. Relapses are a part of the process because you won’t get it all right all the time. You’ll find that as you spend time with yourself and accept you, the less attracted you will be to those who are unhealthy for you. You’ll develop an attitude that says, “I’d rather be by myself than deal with the foolishness.” It doesn’t mean you’re self righteous or anti-men. It just means you understand your worth and won’t settle for anything less. You will go from fearing being alone to embracing it.

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